you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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