I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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