i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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