By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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