im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Randomize