& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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