Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
