Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
