Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
