Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
