Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
