nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
