Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
