my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
