the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
