you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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