Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Randomize
