I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
