So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
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