My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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