i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
