he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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