i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Randomize
