i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
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