Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Randomize
