I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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