Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
