i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
