the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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