ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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