i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
