I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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