Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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