Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
