so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
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