i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
