I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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