My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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