Can i not drive my cunt home
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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