One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
