My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
it's like heaven, but drunker
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
