alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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