Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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