I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
