I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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