can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Randomize
