Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
