On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
