she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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