They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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