That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize