I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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