doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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