Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
