My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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