i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
