I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
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