did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
