Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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