I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Randomize
