I'll bet she douches with gravy.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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