omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
